It's One Of Those Days

Do you ever have, like, a really bad day, and you try to ignore how bad it is and make it better, but you just end up exhausted and depressed by the end of it? And once you're alone with nothing to do you just think about everything and it only makes you feel worse? I had a day like that today, and I actually have them quite often.

I went back to school this week, and I was all pumped because I thought it would give me something to do all day, and I'd get to reconnect with all my friends, and everything would be good. That's not exactly what happened.

Over the years, I've begun saying that summer ruins relationships. Like friendships and everything, too. And sadly, I was right. Everyone was different and so irritable this year. It felt like people were either annoyed at me or bored with me. I don't think I was acting any different than last year. I wasn't trying to be offensive or annoying. But I guess when you don't talk to someone for 3+ months, it just doesn't work out.

Anyway, I've been going through this week just getting more and more dicouraged. I wanted to meet new people and try to be less shy, but everybody knows each other from last year, so everything's all clique-y. And I don't sit near any guys, so that makes it kind hard to meet someone.

I know that sounds over-dramatic, and I wanted to stay away from that, but honestly, I'm in the mood to rant and feel sorry for myself. I used to always text at least one person every single minute of the day, since I got my very first phone when I was 12. My soccer coach almost benched me last year because I would text during practice. Now, I'm lucky to get one text a day from somebody asking about homework.

I mean, did I somehow change? Did everyone just find someone else they want to be with? Even my best friend has a new boyfriend (yet again, don't even get me started) and is just throwing me to the side again. It's friday night, I have nothing planned for this weekend, and I'm just lonely more than anything. I tried explaining this to my best friend but she just snickered and said that's because I'm anti-social. I hate when she says that. I'm not antisocial. I'm friendly to people I don't know and i try to start polite conversation, but I'm not going to go up to some random guy and start petting his hair. That's her thing, and it will never be mine.

Anyway, I heard someone once say that the most important thing you can have in life is friends. I feel like I have friends, but not close ones. Not friends who I can share all my secrets with, or text for no reason, or feel comfortable doing nothing with. Most of the time I'm afraid to be me or say something stupid because I know a snarky remark will follow it. I'm afraid that after high school, I won't have anyone.

The best way to describe how I feel is to say that I feel a little hallow, as cheesy as that sounds. It's like I'm trying to kill time before someone comes pick me back up again. I have no goal, nothing to achieve. I feel alone and discarded and like I'm missing out on something big, but I truelly don't know how to change it.