Slow Down A Second

I was in a solemn mood today, so I went outside and watched the sunset until it was dark. And I have to say, it was really something.

Everything was tinted orange and the sky was blazing with four different colors. The clouds were drifting lazily away from me and I could hear the crickets humming all around me. The temperature was perfect- not too hot, not too cold-and the air smelled like fire. I'm guessing someone was having a bonfire or something.

It was nice to find the time to just sit and watch the sky change and listen to nature. The last time I remember watching the sunset was a few years back when I was in peewee soccer, so I wasn't even outside by choice. I remember looking at the burnt orange sky, so alive, like nothing I've ever seen before, and I turned to my coach and told her that it looked like Hell was taking over Heaven. She looked at me like I was the dumbest and craziest kid she's ever seen.

Maybe I was.

It just made me think of how I never took time to appreciate the small things. The sunset was short- like ten minutes really, and I never even noticed it before.

I'm sure you've heard the expression "take time to smell the roses" or whatever it is. I never liked that saying. I thought that whoever made the expression should mind his/her own business, and if people didn't have time then smelling roses wasn't worth being late. But now, I don't know. What if it was worth it?

I feel like I'm the definition of a conformist. Always wanting to blend in, fly under the radar, do exactly what society wanted. Who cares about nature? You better know the top ten on Q102. Everybody acted like that for a reason. They weren't called weird, or an outcast, or a loser. For some reason, that's what works. I think I just think too much.

I'm off topic. For whoever reads this: tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that, I want you to watch the sunset. Put down the papers, step away from the computer, pause the xbox, and just take ten minutes of your day and see if it's worth it.

It's One Of Those Days

Do you ever have, like, a really bad day, and you try to ignore how bad it is and make it better, but you just end up exhausted and depressed by the end of it? And once you're alone with nothing to do you just think about everything and it only makes you feel worse? I had a day like that today, and I actually have them quite often.

I went back to school this week, and I was all pumped because I thought it would give me something to do all day, and I'd get to reconnect with all my friends, and everything would be good. That's not exactly what happened.

Over the years, I've begun saying that summer ruins relationships. Like friendships and everything, too. And sadly, I was right. Everyone was different and so irritable this year. It felt like people were either annoyed at me or bored with me. I don't think I was acting any different than last year. I wasn't trying to be offensive or annoying. But I guess when you don't talk to someone for 3+ months, it just doesn't work out.

Anyway, I've been going through this week just getting more and more dicouraged. I wanted to meet new people and try to be less shy, but everybody knows each other from last year, so everything's all clique-y. And I don't sit near any guys, so that makes it kind hard to meet someone.

I know that sounds over-dramatic, and I wanted to stay away from that, but honestly, I'm in the mood to rant and feel sorry for myself. I used to always text at least one person every single minute of the day, since I got my very first phone when I was 12. My soccer coach almost benched me last year because I would text during practice. Now, I'm lucky to get one text a day from somebody asking about homework.

I mean, did I somehow change? Did everyone just find someone else they want to be with? Even my best friend has a new boyfriend (yet again, don't even get me started) and is just throwing me to the side again. It's friday night, I have nothing planned for this weekend, and I'm just lonely more than anything. I tried explaining this to my best friend but she just snickered and said that's because I'm anti-social. I hate when she says that. I'm not antisocial. I'm friendly to people I don't know and i try to start polite conversation, but I'm not going to go up to some random guy and start petting his hair. That's her thing, and it will never be mine.

Anyway, I heard someone once say that the most important thing you can have in life is friends. I feel like I have friends, but not close ones. Not friends who I can share all my secrets with, or text for no reason, or feel comfortable doing nothing with. Most of the time I'm afraid to be me or say something stupid because I know a snarky remark will follow it. I'm afraid that after high school, I won't have anyone.

The best way to describe how I feel is to say that I feel a little hallow, as cheesy as that sounds. It's like I'm trying to kill time before someone comes pick me back up again. I have no goal, nothing to achieve. I feel alone and discarded and like I'm missing out on something big, but I truelly don't know how to change it.

September 18th

So I write poetry whenever I'm sad or really inspired, and I wrote a poem titled "September 18th" last year. It's definitely not the best I've ever done, but since today is the 18th I figured I might as well post it.

September 18th

A written letter,
Heartbroken but just,
Shows up at my door,
September 18th.

Words spill out,
The tears flow too,
Of sadness no,
But relief and contempt.

A six month period;
Half of a year,
Comes to thirteen hours,
Until you move on.

My story told,
Exactly as it happened,
At least I get to say,
It was me, I win!

Friendship reigns,
Loosely, painfully.
But nonetheless,
I meet him halfway.

Summer All September

          So, I was supposed to start school on the 8th, almost two weeks ago. But my school and all the Catholic schools in my area are on strike. Seriously. So that means I get to sit on my butt all day with nothing to do and hope and pray this thing passes soon.
          From what I heard, the teacher's contracts are up and it's time to draw up and sign a new one. It basically stated that the teachers do more and work longer hours for less money, so that was one problem already. Then, because the economy is so bad, the teachers petitioned for a guarantee that they would have a job and wouldn't be fired without a valid reason, even if the school shuts down. The government (or whoever makes up these contracts, I don't really know) couldn't promise that and all this other stuff happened which eventually led to the teachers striking and me not having a school to go to.
           I never thought I would see the day when kids were actually upset about not going to school. Even if I wasn't happy about the strike, I still thought most people would be. But everyone I asked said that they hated it just as much as I did. Blew my mind. Some students even wanted to have an "anti-strike" to show how much we wanted to go back to school. My soccer coach is a teacher, and he said that the teachers don't even want to be on strike, but they feel like they have to.

          It's so funny. I've always imagined when teachers strike they get pick-it signs that say stuff like "We deserve RESPECT!" or, "Why is money more important than me?" I know, I should never write signs. Shut up. Anyway, I imagined them stomping around and waving their signs at people passing by. But no. Apparently that only happens in movies. At my school, the teachers wear bulky signs held up by rope on their shoulders, with one sign hanging down on one sign hanging down on their front and one hanging down on their back. Then they just stood around, sipping coffee and talking to each other. So I feel genuinely bad for them because that doesn't look fun at all.

                    The problem is that every day we don't go to school, days from our Christmas break and our summer vacation get taken away. So theoretically, there's a chance we'll be going to school in July. Maybe that's why everybody wants to go to school? Makes more sense than everybody wanting to learn. I'm probably just a nerd, but I don't care about going to school in the summer. I'm sitting on my butt doing nothing all day and all I want is to learn something. I'm even looking forward to doing homework.

          A lot of students are saying that they're going to transfer and go to public school soon if the strike doesn't end soon. This worries me a teeny tiny bit. All I can think of is a month from now the strike ends and we have half the student body we're supposed to. All my friends leave and there's nobody in my classes, and it's just a really awkward, terrible year. I, personally, am never going to transfer. My public school is terrible and I'm socially awkward, so I doubt my ability to make new friends. Hopefully school opens soon and I won't have to worry about that. But until then, I will sit and eat and waste time.

Hooking Up

          You know what I hate? When random guys on Faceboook send you a friend request and then start chatting you for no reason. This has happened to me a few time and it never ceasing to creep me out.
           I know what you're going to say. "You shouldn't friend them if you don't know them." And I usually don't, except when we have like 132 mutual friends.
         So right now, as I'm typing this, this kid named Anthony is talking to me, and he is just...I don't even know. Literally ten seconds after I accept his friend request he chats me "yo" and I'm like "Do I know you?" And he says, "No, but we can get to know each other." And immediately I'm thinking, this guy wants to get with me or something. So we start having this really boring conversation; me asking how old he is (a grade younger than me), him asking how tall I am (5'4), what sports I play, what music I like, really generic stuff like that.
          All of a sudden he goes, "Amira, do you think I'm a nice guy?" Now, my Facebook name clearly says "Amera" at the top, right above the little chat box. Are you not even going to take the time to pretend you're interested in anything besides how horny you are? Really? So, me being the bluntly honest girl that I am, answers, "Well, I don't really know you and you spelled my name wrong, so I can't really answer that."
          "Let me try again, do you think I'm hot?"
          No. "Sure."
          "Do you have a cell?"
          "Yeah..." Awesome, now he's gonna ask for my number.
          "Do you want my number?" he asks.
          "No...I think I'm good."

          Hasn't replied since, and I'd bet my right hand he isn't going to. Has this ever happened to you? Like, whatever happened to meeting a person and actually talking and becoming friends instead of just hooking up then never talking again? I'm not the type of girl to kiss someone I don't actually like, I've only kissed two guys in my whole life. But I hear stories all the time from people on the internet, or on my soccer team, or my friend's friends hooking up with random guys at the mall or at the beach.          

        I have no problem with people who do this, I get why you would. But, it's making it really hard to rind respectable people nowadays. Girls are so easy and guys are such players. And girls are always  complaining about how they just want a boyfriend who likes them for more than sex. Well then don't wear skimpy clothing and whorish makeup! Like, what is that? Guys treat you like crap because you let them. You can't go to third base on the first date and be amazed when he keeps asking for more.

        I feel like it's a two way street, too. There probably are good guy out there, but girls always go for the douche bags. I don't know why that happens, but I've seen my best friend get hurt more times than I can count and I just don't understand. Oh, how I love to rant.

My First Impression

          One of the most important lessons I've learned in my 15 years of life is that first impressions are very important. They very well could define you. That's why on the first day of school we all pick out our best outfits to wear, take hours to get our hair just right, make sure our nails are manicured and our makeup is perfect. That's why when we first meet somebody we don't just let loose and show who we really are. Instead we monitor our words, give our fake laughs, and just hope that we made a good first impression.
          At least that's how it is for me.
         All through grade school, and when I began high school, I was amazingly shy. I was afraid of what everyone would think of me and couldn't for the life of me start up a conversation. I went out of my way to stay under the radar. No crazy hairstyles. Don't raise your hand in class. Don't do something stupid. My freshman year I would go three periods without saying a words because I didn't have any friends in my classes and I was afraid to put myself out there.
         I remember one time I was in bio class and this sophomore who I used to talk to a little bit (until he realized I wasn't popular) asked me about this bracelet I had on.
         "Amera," he said.
         "Yeah?" I asked, a little surprised.
         "What does your bracelet say?"
         "Which one?" I asked, because I was wearing two.
         "The pink one."
         "Oh. It says 'this is what awesome looks like,'" I answered, averting my eyes.
         "Is it supposed to mean you or the bracelet?" He continued with a smirk.
         "What?"
         "Nevermind," he said, obviously holding back a laugh.
         "Oh. It... means...me," I stuttered. Then let out a shaky laugh and turned back to my desk.
         "You make people feel so awkward, Dustin," somebody said. And I did feel awkward. It was an inside joke with me and my friends. I'm always calling myself awesome, regardless of how conceited it sounded. But to Dustin, who was older and way more popular, I definitely wasn't awesome. Nobody in that class thought I was awesome. I'm sad to admit that I never wore that bracelet after that day. That happened a few months ago. I'm a sophomore now, though, and maybe just a little less socially awkward. The bad part is that every single person I had class with this year has probably written me off as "the weird quiet girl who doesn't talk." I'll have to meet new people and make a better first impression. Maybe this time around people will remember me and think "the fun girl who wears stupid bracelets and doesn't care." Because I'm planning on wearing that bracelet to school again. Because I think it's funny and whitty and stupid.
          Anyway, that's kind of what I think about this blog. People may come and read it, hate my stuff and thik it's immature, go read a new one. Or maybe people will be intrigued and want to keep reading my stuff. Either way, this post is kind of like my first impression. It shows what's to come. A little incite to my life, maybe a video or two I find on youtube, poems I write (even though I'm fully aware I put no videos or poems here). I made this blog to write and share my thoughts. I'm not even expecting people to find it, but that's okay. It's only a blog.