This Is Me, Thinking Too Much

So currently, I am sitting here on the floor, with a laptop on my legs, in my best friend's room. I have "You Make My Dreams Come True" blaring on my ipod while I'm texting John, and Kayla is ripping up notes between her and her old acting friends.

It's quite a solemn mood.

We haven't hung out alone in while- she has all these dance competitions and we've been double dating a lot- so this is the first time in a few weeks. I wouldn't say it's awkward exactly, but we just don't have anything to say it seems like. She's had a lot of pain in her life, especially the last three years or so. And I wish I could say that I was completely supportive throughout everything, but sadly I have to admit that I was part of the problem for a good bit last year.

She just read this and disagreed, but she's always been too forgiving. A minor flaw in retrospect.

We were talking about driving a little while ago, because she's already sixteen and my birthday is Tuesday. I can't wait to drive. The freedom, the independence, even the added responsibilities sound appealing to me. I want to get a job, I want to work and make my own money. And I know that once that happens life will never be the same. I'll have a lot less free time and there will be days where I'm wishing I could be a kid again. But this isn't one of those "I just wanna grow up and get away" things. I know what to expect, life will get hard. I'm ready for that.

If I could drive, I wouldn't have to spend my days off from school at home because everyone's parents have to work. I could drive over to my friend's house and pick them up. If I could drive, I wouldn't have to rely on my parents to get me places on time and being agree with them for being too early or too late. I'm ready to start being less co-dependent. Now, that doesn't mean I'm ready to start doing my own laundry every week...these things take time.

But despite all the perks of driving, the actually action of it scares me. I imagine getting behind the wheel and on to a highway. Merging with other drivers, reading the speed signs, not underestimating the amount of space I need to make a turn. Once I'm in that car and in control, I'll fully responsible for my well being. I could easily get into an accident. I've never driven; I would have no idea how to avoid a collision. I'll follow the laws and not run a red light for go too above the speed limit, I know that. But what about everyone else? So many times I've seen my mom swerve or something to avoid hitting another acre. i never paid much attention to it because i knew she knew what she was doing. But I don't, what if I can't react fast enough?

Blah. It's getting late. I think too much.

Whatever happens with driving, or my future, or anything, I wanna be prepared. And I guess the only way to do that is to go out into the world and start experiencing it.  

Track Meets on a Friday Night? Absolutey.

So, I run track.

I am really bad at it.

Like, I could be good I guess if I wanted, but I am EXTREMELY LAZY. I hate running, and I hate working out, and I hate the track meets; especially the gun that goes off before every race. It scares the crap out of me.

You're probably thinking, "then why the hell are you running track if you hate it so much?" Well obnoxious reader, my mom forced me to do it last year as a freshman, and I got really close to my friend Bridget. So I did it again this year to hang out with her. She's slow too, so we go well together :)

Anyway, I just wanted to post this because I had a track meet yesterday and I came in first in my 400 (quarter mile, for whoever doesn't know) :D Like, I won. I couldn't believe it. When I passed my mom as I was coming around the final turn and saw that I was 50m ahead of the second place girl, I made a face that literally looked like :D. I am like ecstatic even now. I NEVER thought I'd win any race, it's like the best feeling ever. I had an incredibly crappy week and this is just what I needed.

It almost made not being able to hang out with my boyfriend on a Friday night worth it :(

What A Best Friend Is, in no particular order

A best friend is:

1. someone who brings out the best in you
2. someone who accepts all your quirks and flaws
3. someone who LIKES all your quirks and flaws
4. a good listener
5. never judgemental
6. someone who gets your humor
7. always there for you, even at 2 in the morning
8. genuinely wanting the best for you
9. someone who doesn't ignore you all summer long
10. someone who knows what you're thinking even before you do
11. always finishing your sentences
12. never going to leave your side
13. that one person you never get tired of being with
14. someone you feel completely comfortable doing nothing with
15. someone who does get jealous of you or your other friends sometimes, but gets over it
16. that person you start to act like a little bit
17. the one whose name your teachers always confuse with yours
18. someone who will email all your favorite youtubers to dedicate a video to you for your birthday
19. the other owner of half your clothes
20. someone who follows you to a catholic high school, even though they can't afford it
21. your lesbian lover
22. that one person your parents would be willing to adopt
23. someone who puts your first 95% of the time
24. someone you CAN and WANT to tell everything to
25. someone to share your water with at lunch. Without worrying about germs.
26. your friend, your lover, your worst enemy, your confidant, your parent, and your teacher all at once

Girls, You Need to Back Off

You know what really, really aggravates me? Girls. They're snarky and whiny and insulting and always start unnecessary drama. I'll admit, I love drama; just not when it's happening to me. But I also don't go out of my way to start it.

Specifically what I'm talking about are these three girls, two of them go to my school (we'll call them Mary and Molly) and one I met at a party (we'll call her Jamie), who all tried to steal my boyfriend, basically.

So, I just started going out with this guy, John. It's been almost two months and I absolutely adore him. All those girls I just mention, were trying to break us up. And it just annoys the crap out of me because you don't do that. No matter how much I liked a guy, I would respect that he's in a relationship and leave him alone. But it's not like it's just one girl out to get me. It's three. Who are all friends with each other. What friends do that?! Blows my mind.

First, it was Mary. She wanted to go out with my best friend, Kayla's, boyfriend, Matt. (so many names, I know. I'm sorry.) Obviously, he said no BECAUSE HE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP. So she goes after my boyfriend and starts asking him to hang out and flirting with him all the time and it's terrible. But my boyfriend, being the awesome and loyal guy that he is, tells her to back off. This was week 1 of our relationship.

 Then we go to his friend's sweet 16 and this girl Jamie is there. Before I even met her, he warned me that she had a crush on him, but he had no feelings for her whatsoever. Fine. So she came over to talk to John and me one time, but didn't even look at me, even when I was talking to her. She was totally focused on him. Fine, okay, whatever. I don't think anything of it until that night when she puts a truth is on his wall saying something like:

"truthh iss, you are soo amazinngg and im soo happy weree friendsss :))) youvee been theree for me througgh everyythingg andd i can'tt thannk youu enoughh. yourr my bestt friennd and i lovee youu <3 <3"

Even that, fine. She has a crush on him, I know that. BUT THEN  they get into, like, a heart battle in the comments and all his friends are telling Jamie (and John for that matter) that he has a girlfriend, she needs to back off, etc. And she's saying she's not doing anything wrong, blah blah blah. Eventually I tell John that's not okay, and she needs to back off and that heart battle was totally inappropriate. He apologizes profusely and deletes the whole post and sends her a message nicely telling her that she needs to stop. That was week 2.

A month into our relationship, this other girl Molly tells Matt (John's best friend) that she missed her chance when John was single, so she's going to break us up for another one. Her direct quote "I'm going to break them up." By this point, John already earned my trust and again, he told her to back off and that he doesn't want to date her.

Doesn't that seem like pointless drama to you? Why can't I just have a fun, normal relationship without having to deal with all these girls trying to break us up? It's not like there's only taken guys in the world. It may seem that way, but that's because girls want what they can't have. Like when you're playing in the sandbox: you don't want that pale and shovel sitting in the corner. That pale and shovel is stupid, all plastic and boring with no one playing with it. Then the minute another kids starts playing with it, all of a sudden you just have to have it. Pisses. Me. Off. I brought my own toys to that sand box, gosh darnnit.

But yeah, I made this blog to rant, and there it is ^^ enjoy.

Best Friend- A Poem

Oh geez...it's been almost two months since I've posted on here. Sorry...I don't really have a good excuse. But to make it up to you, here's a poem I wrote a few months ago. It's called Best Friend (not actually about my best friend. Ironically, I hate the person I wrote this about now)

Best Friend

Remember when we talked all the time?
When we told our stupid jokes and spoke in rhyme?
The laughs we shared and all the good times we had,
Even the ones that got really bad?

At one point I was your number one,
Your go to girl whenever life wasn't fun.

I'd pick you up and say everything's okay,
Then cry on the phone,
To make you feel not so alone.

I'd laugh at your jokes and like your posts,
Cuz I didn't wanna put you down,
And I knew what a great friend I had found.

I loved you more than I could ever say,
But maybe, just not in that way.

You were my secret, and I was yours.
At lunch I couldn't stand you, the actor I'm sure.
But once school let out and no one could see,
Your laugh rang through my ears,
And I felt your pain times three.

Those were the good times,
When our secret was what your treasured most.
But good things never did last long,
And soon our relationship was toast.

My conscience spoke for me,
With words I didn't like.
It said "I can't do this anymore,"
It's friends we must be.

Now I get to hear of all those other girls,
Genna, Erin, Taylor, Marie.

I hate those names and I hate those faces,
But most of all, I really hate me.
And yeah, I know shit happens,
But not with you, best friend forever.

Why Do I Write?

  I write because I love the feel of a pen in my hand;
The way it scratches against paper, smooth and fine,
And those small smudges left behind.
I feel powerful when I write;
To create a world and build it and mold it,
Only to destroy it and make another one tomorrow.

I write because of the nagging in the back of my brain,
When you can see that image crystal clear,
And you know you have to bring it to life.
Or that phrase you keep repeating,
Over and over again.
I feel like that's the beginning of something great.

I write because it's the only way I know how.
It's the only way to express myself,
And those thoughts and those dreams that run through my mind.
My stories are the words I could never say,
The things I've never done,
And the people I want to be.

I write because I'm in pain,
Because sometimes reality just isn't fun.
So I know that it's real and people see my truth,
To embrace it or hate it or fight it.
When I have no one to go to and no one to understand,
I figure I might reach one person wo can.

I write to be inspired,
By something new, or fresh, or innovating.
I want my imagination to shine through the pages,
To create something real that makes you say "wow."
How many times I've said that in my life,
Hoping I could do that one day.

I write for that rush,
Of hitting your stride and writing pages at a time.
When the ideas just come to you like an oncoming wave,
And your frustration acclimates because you can't write them all.
I write for those reasons, every single day.
But mostly, I write because I can.

Texting Etiquette

Some basic rules for anyone who texts on a regular basis:

1. If you don't want to talk to someone JUST DON'T ANSWER.

2. Don't just stop replying in the middle of a conversation, unless you're doing something in which you have to stop. This can make the other person feel like they're boring or annoying. And even if they are, well, it'll still make them feel bad.

3. It's rude to text someone and not put any effort into the conversation. You're the one that wanted to talk; there had to have been a reason.

4. One word answers suck. They very worst thing you can say is "yeah," "k," and "cool."

5. Try not to take forever to answer back. Even two minutes in real time can feel like two hours in text time. If you know you're in the middle of a conversation with someone, just take your phone with you wherever you go, and if you can't talk, say that before you leave.

6. Emoticons are very important when you're being sarcastic, just so there's no confusion.

7. Spell words right and use proper grammar. Shortening some words like "tho" and "u" is fine, but take the time to fix actually misspellings and make sure people can understand what you type.